.adsa and her naked thoughts.

.no more.

2008-06-17T21:41:00.002+08:00

she fades. speak she does not.
they steal her voice. leave her with a broken smile.

she cries. without sound.
tear flow out, wish they can flow back in.

shes there to be blamed. shes there to take the fall.
shout. yell. scream.
shes going nowhere.
she replies no more.
just silence.
hope its enough to comfort her.

.digital world.

2008-04-13T17:17:00.004+08:00

high-tech world. everything is in minimalist mode. digital. sleek. simple. too bad it doesnt stop there. it influences the way we communicate. the way we think. the way we live our life. it reduces the complexity of the universe. my universe, at least. when a face-to-face conversation is not something they are longing for. when they hate the colors of my skirt just because they have only plain black skirts. when theyd rather heat their tasteless food in the microwave instead of waiting for my homemade soup.
maybe its just too fast a pace for me to catch up. too simple a world for me to live in.
i still need colors. i still need some complexity. oh well, im just an analog girl in a digital world. let me tick my second. i let you beep yours.

.equation.

2008-03-02T11:25:00.003+08:00

"math is the surest subject on earth, you know...anywhere you go, 1+1=2 and -1+1=0". Hah! if only life is as simple as mathematical equation. if only the surity of mathematical notion can be applied in real life, where one wrong can be nullified with one right. heart has its own equation. i understand none. the pattern is abstract. sometimes it is so happen that one big right can be nullified by one simple wrong. some other time, one simple right can give you the right answer of all the negative numeric figure of wrongs. nothing is as sure as math, my friend. and be thankful that nothing is.

.socrates vs me.

2007-11-22T10:35:00.000+08:00

life has to be in balance. give and take. love and to be loved. read and write. socrates once said "employ your time in improving yourself in other man's writings, so that you shall gain easily what other have laboured hard for". to make it balance, i say "employ your time in writing your thoughts. a sun shouldnt keep itself from shining; a man shouldnt keep the feelings inside. through writings, you state things that are impossible for mouth to say and emphasis things youve already said".

.between the midwest sky and sleepless nights.

2007-11-22T09:50:00.000+08:00

its my job to listen to your problems
your story
your suffering
your life
i know i have pain too
inside, im suffering
helping you is the only way i cope up with my own
trying to find solution to your problems
answer to your questions
my head is spinning
my heart is racing
my body is shivering
in the stillness of the night
i thought its all because im working too hard to help you
but no
it isnt
its because somewhere between the midwest sky and sleepless nights,
i forgot to take care of me
i forgot whos really in trouble
i forgot that its me who need help

.about marriage.

2007-11-17T14:50:00.000+08:00

marriage? the magic word, it seems. "the happily ever after", "till death do us part". they fit well with the soul of an optimist. not me. these past few years, people have been talking intensely about marriage. maybe, they always do. maybe, its just me being too busy about other things that i tend to ignore it and push it back into my subconsciousness. this time, its just everywhere...making it hard for me to bury it alive as i always did. ignorance is really a bliss.

im happy for the couples. i really do. whats more, i envy them. their ability to choose and decide the one person with whom theyll spend the rest of their life with. how can they be so sure? is it a mere hunch? is it a complex mathematical skill? is it related to dating experience? how? how? lets start from the basic. heres the simplest and the most common wedding vow:

I _____, take you ______, to be my wedded wife/husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.

the first bit: to have and to hold. ha! its easy. it is in our blood, the nature of wanting to "have". its called sense of belongingness. and "to hold"? thats easy too...sometimes we even hold onto others so tight that we forgot to let them go once in a while.

the second bit: for better, for worse. whoa,,,this is getting harder ey? so easy to accept other person if they get better. if they succeed, if they excel at things we expect them to. but how bout those times when they fail to meet our expectation? when they bring out the worst in us? should we stay? or should we go?

the third bit: for richer, for poorer. ummm...JLO says "my love dont cost a thing". is it? really?

the fourth bit: in sickness and in health. many has taken this one for granted. its so overlooked. recently i was down with flu. i had a blocked nose. couldnt breath. literally speaking. i was cranky the whole time coz i didnt have enough sleep at night. thanks to my blocked nose. and yea, as i sat there in my room, alone and lonely, i thought about my bestfriend and her husband. she told me the reason she said "i do" was because he is able to give her a hug when she knows she is unhugable. love when she is unloveable. and kiss when she is unkissable. there, i cried. its easy for people to love me when imma hugable material. when im full of smile. full of love. but can i find that one person who loves me all the same when im all the opposite? maybe the simplest example would be the time when you get so cranky because of your blocked nose. oh yea, blocked nose in comparison with other diseases, is nothing. yet, my blocked nose has taught me a lot of things, like how unloveable i can be at times when i get cranky, how unhugable i can be when im in pain and how unkissable i can be when all im doing with my mouth are yelling and screaming. not cool, but its true. and really, it doesnt take me a deathly illness to realise that to be with someone "in sickness and in health" is a hard thing to do.

the fifth bit: to love and to cherish till death do us part. i guess this is the hardest bit. so many couples stop loving each other long before they die. or even dying. people stop loving each other when their eyes are still wide open and when their breath are still long and deep.

maybe those married couples understand the vow better, much better than i do. but i know that the understanding of it aint something that can be shared with or taught to. it is something that i have to learn on my own. so far, heres what ive learned:
ive learned that a happy marriage takes more that a wedding vow. some of the loneliest and saddest people i know are still married.
ive learned that wedding vow is for an optimist.
ive learned that for people like me (i.e. idealist, realists, and a bit pessimist), marriage takes courage and hard work. and all the challenges that come with the package are the bits and pieces that make it worthwhile.
ive learned that someday, ill say "i do" to that one person even before he asks; ill say it without having to say it out loud. the heart is at its truest when its whispering.

.band-aid for the heart.

2007-10-05T21:46:00.000+08:00

funny how they say everyone loves to be loved. not her. shes being abused. abandoned. cheated on. lied to. torn apart. i found her in the crossroad, between 17th and 23rd avenue. helpless. i knew her story from the homeless guy, the one who sat across the street where i first saw her. for years she refused any help. may it be a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, or simply just a friendly smile. she kept it to herself. she cried. she screamed. she yelled. people said shes crazy. i doubted the notion. i tried to see things from her perspective. if i were her... then, my cheek felt warm. teardrops felt without my permission. yes, i understood. finally.

if i were the one whos being abused,
i would avoid any forms of touching, viz., pat, handshake, hug, especially kiss.
if i were the one whos being abandoned,
i would stay away from people.
i wouldnt let them get close to me.
so that, when they leave, it means nothing to me.
if i were the one whos being cheated on and lied to,
i wouldnt believe in any promises.
promises are meant to be broken.
if i were the one whos being torn apart,
i wouldnt show it to the world.
i wouldnt let people pity me.
wouldnt let them know that im shattered.

then, how can i help her? was she meant to be left alone? thoughts were flying across the empty dimension of which they called mind. i wanted to help. but how??? i was afraid that if i do something wrong, itd hurt her even more. it was on my mettle that i decided to go across the street. i gave her my look. not a pity look. not a sympathetic look. just my look. plus a smile. i bent over. she looked up at me. confused. i handed over a band-aid. she received it with a puzzled face. then i whispered to her ear "hey, hope it helps. its a band-aid for your heart. i use it everytime my heart breaks into pieces. you might wanna go to a quiet place and put it on when noones watching. dont tell them when youve put your heart back altogether". then i saw her smile. for the first time. i smiled back and left. the next day i was her friend. we talked about lots of things but her pain. i never promised her a thing but i promised myself not to leave her. people like her doesnt need my pity. nor my promise. she only needs me. myself. so i gave her me.

.fix you.

2007-09-21T19:40:00.000+08:00

somehow i wanna believe that people can change. in the way that matters. too many evidence have shown they cant. researches show that the nature of every being is a solid rock. unchangeable. is it true? tell me its not. id go deeper to fix you. if i could, i would even spend my only wish on you. without a doubt, id use my magic wand just to give you some finishing touch. please tell me i still can.

.the ageless lady.

2007-09-10T23:02:00.000+08:00

two days ago i went to a nursing home. thought it was just another church visit. something ive done thousand times. miraculously, it was different. i dont know was it the atmosphere or was it me. there were about twenty people in the nursing home. there were 30 of us. more or less. one lady had her bed to the living room. the others were sit on their chairs. amongst some gloomy faces, there was this one lady. she seemed so happy. her face blushed. pinkish, considering she has a pale white skin color. shes petite. wrinkles covering her face. but i know theres something about her. when we had a break, i came close to her. i asked her name. she asked mine. and suddenly i found myself conversing with this lady.

her: darling, do you know that you have the brightest eyes and the most beautiful smile?
me: hahaha...am i??? thanks...btw, how old are you?
her: um,,,i forgot. i know i shouldnt forget my own age but you know, as you grow older you start to forget things that you shouldnt be forgetting.
me: ah, its ok. you seem so happy. i guess thats what matters. so, do you like to sing?
her: yes yes yes darling. i love singing. i used to sing in church. i love the song that you sang, whats it called?
me: its called the heart of worship. you know, you remind me of my own grannie. she loves to sing.
her: oh really? yes yes, its one thing i never forget. thats why im so happy. thank you. you know, you should come here every week. and dont forget, say hi to your grannie.

and i went back to my seat. from my seat, i can see the whole room clearly. i can see wrinkles everywhere. walking stick here and there. i looked around. found some faces smiling back at me. some were giving me frown. there it was. third chairs from the right. in the front row. one face that soothed me. its hers. right then and there i said to myself "thats what i wanna be when i grow old". age may rob her smooth skin. change it into wrinkles. age may wipe her memory. left her with nothing. but age cant steal her faith. and thats what makes her different from the rest. her beauty comes from inside. shining out like a ray of light. age cant take away the very thing that she does for her LORD: singing. i think, in the end those are the ones that matter. when the programs finished, everyones going home. treating it just like any other day. any other visit. i went home that day with an inspiration. a priceless inspiration from a lady who forgets her own age. i call her the ageless lady.

*dedicated to the ageless lady in the nursing home

.a friend.

2007-09-06T08:11:00.000+08:00

some know HIM as GOD
omnipotent
mighty
awesome
out of reach
indescribable
creator
supernatural
some other just know HIM through greet and goodbyes
"dear GOD, thanks for today. amen"
"dear GOD, bless this food. amen"
"dear GOD, be with me as i do this test. amen"
"dear GOD, please help me find my soulmate. amen"
"dear GOD, keep me away from these temptations. amen"
im glad i know HIM as a friend
someone i can talk to every single second
in every breath. in every prayer
someone i can turn to
in laughter and in pain
someone who understands me although i dont get HIM sometimes
HEs full of surprises. full of love
when others try to keep distance with HIM,
i try to be as close as i can be
for others, HE might come as an extraordinary deity
for me, HE comes simply as a friend. a very best friends.

.box.

2007-09-04T12:40:00.000+08:00

looks like they notice. they realize that i write a lot when im in pain. they say now im happy, so i dont write much. theyre wrong. i write whenever i like. when i feel like to. its just that lately been so busy. a bit overwhelmed maybe. as i started to enter uni world (again) without my best friends, i felt a bit unease at first. was looking for a familiar face, a friendly smile. found none. people were so busy looking at their books. the walls. the windows. anything but another humans eyes. they tried not to care. seemed to me that everyones there trying to gain some knowledge. not friends. in fact, so did i. thats how i started my uni life. no friends, just book. weeks passed by and now i know almost the whole class by name. we exchange stories, case studies, even some gummy bears. im no longer living under yesterdays rug. no more the good old days. i boxed it all up. well, every now and then i open the lid and find out that i still miss going to classes with my friends. still miss the thrill of walking out in the middle of a lecture together. miss the laughter of not knowing what to do. miss the study time. and when i put the lid back on, i know i still have my friends. i just have to live with the fact that theyre not here at the moment. for the time being, i have to familiarize myself with new faces instead of looking for a familiar face. i have to push myself to come to classes even when theres no one pushing me to. and sometimes, when im just too tired to listen to the lecturer, i just have to stand up and walk out of the class by myself. interestingly, im okay with that. i think im a grown up now =]. speaking of growing up, i also grow emotionally. i let go of my past bit by bit. i accepted the fact that this heart is able to love again. i boxed all my past memories up. some were good. some were not so good. i also put every pieces of my broken heart inside. as i put them in the box, one by one, i cried. i cried coz i know that this box cant be opened once i put the lid on. but i did it anyway. surprisingly, i found relief. closure. then i realized, maybe...just maybe...a part of growing up is knowing which lid to put on which box.

.dear readers.

2007-07-24T08:14:00.001+08:00

dear readers,

lately its been bothering me. the fact that some people assume my writings. they think theyre about them. or even worse, they think theyre about some other people in my life. please dont assume things. as the title of the blog says "adsa and her naked thoughts", it really is. yes, sometimes my writings are about real life stories. some other times theyre just my random thoughts. i change names, places, conditions, well...i tailor made them into mere writings. and of course i can do that. im the writer, remember? and you, as the readers...all youve gotta do is to read. leave some comments if you want, but to assume my writings under any assumption? hell no...you cant do that. i just wanna write. its my way out from this crazy complicated world of mine. if you cant stop making assumption in your head, at least dont open your mouth. that way, you wont be spreading your assumptions to other people.

people, if you need gossip you can tell me. ill buy you some gossip mags. my blog and my stories aint something to be gossiped about. but if you need some fresh thoughts to contemplate over, yes you can read my blog. of course i dont expect anyone without brain and thoughts to understand this. but i think we all do have brain and thoughts, dont we?

thanks for the understanding or at least, thanks for the willingness to try. remember, free your mind from any assumptions =]

love,
me

.a girl and a boy.

2007-07-23T08:26:00.000+08:00

you sit there. next to me. trying to explain the whole thing. you hope id understand.

i sit here. next to you. trying to convince myself that youre right. i wish id understand.

so many things. so many reasons. do you think i care? call me selfish. watever. not everythings about you, you know. sometimes it has to be about me. just this time, i wanna make it right. i want it to be perfect. just this time, i wanna believe that fairytale happy ending aint fake. i really do. ive been fighting this skepticism. i bleed. maybe itll kill me. but i wanna try. i wanna believe. i wanna relive the part of me thats been died. here i am battling against the perpetual enemy of mine. there you are talking stuff that made me sick. youre not helping me. well, not that i need your help. i just need to know,,,are you gonna be there? are you gonna be a part of my story? my fairytale? or are you not?

im not asking for much...but please, if you cant see yourself in any part of the story, would you just go? i cant handle it. i dont have enough energy to fight against all odds and you. one battle is enough. more than enough. but yea, if you wanna play part in my fairytale, youre more than welcome to. hand me your hand. when we hold each other, well get our happy ending. hold me close when i go astray.

you ask me, "isnt it too cliche?"
i answer, "well...my version of a fairytale doesnt involve a beautiful princess, a knight in a shining armor, and a gigantic castle. my fairytale is about a girl and a boy who fall in love. they scream, they cry, they make up, they laugh, they love. just in love. all the time."

i look at you. you look at me. we both understand.

.wait.

2007-07-11T22:12:00.000+08:00

can a heart loves two other hearts at the same time?
can it be real when you dont even know its there?
can you say you moved on when you keep on looking back every now and then?
can i trust the way i feel?

damn, so many questions. some people try to help. thanks, but no. noone can. not even me. ive been looking around for answers. none. ive given up. so tired. then i kneel down and pray. its my last resort. my last ray of hope. i wait and wait and wait. yesterday i told myself "maybe tomorrow". today i tell myself "maybe today". argh,,,i hate to admit that the wait is killing me. it eats away my hope. bit by bit.

.confusion.

2007-05-25T16:06:00.000+08:00

im your confusion. sorry...never meant to be part of your disease. thought im part of the cure. maybe i opened up your eyes, made you see things youve never seen before. but, is it something you want? is it something you can bear? to see the truth? to hear the soft whisper of your heart? i shouldve known that you couldnt handle it. you loved your so called life. and now, youre not anymore. sorry...

im your confusion. the one you need but not the one you want. you try so hard to put me aside. it makes me sad sometimes. if only you knew,,,youre my confusion too. never meant to hurt you. never meant to make it so complicated. gotta figure out a way to end this confusion.

.a brand new day.

2007-05-11T21:42:00.001+08:00

this morning, as i walked into my office, everyone around me asked "hey sa,,,you seem so happy. whats up?" and i told them that nothings up. they just didnt believe it. they said i keep on smiling. im happy. theres nothing, really. i woke up this morning and decided to start a new life. its cliche. maybe for you but not for me. i really wanna start a brand new life. ive been hurt so many times before. ive fell so hard into the thing they called love. ive been twisted upside down. lifes been tough. but lately (couple of days ago to be exact), i was reminded by a long lost friend of how ive been blessed too. i have a great family. my dad has taught me so many great things (implicitly!!!). behind his anger and loud voice, i find an assurance that all hed ever want is for me to be happy. about my mom, i dont even have to ask. i know for sure she loves me. i hear it in her prayers. i see it in her face. last but not least, my sister. she can be so damn annoying at times. but hey, whose sisters not? hehehe...but i love her and for sure she loves me. aside from my family, i have the worlds greatest bestfriends. some people can only have one or two. lucky me, i get bunch of them. all in one package. theyre always there for me. sometimes, they accompany me with laughter. other times, they accompany me in their solitude. bottomline is: i am blessed!!! this morning, as i remembered my blessings one by one, i smiled. when i looked to the sky and found it all clear blue, i smiled. in life, things can be so cruel. so tough. thats why we get so lucky when we could start a day with a smile. embrace that day. we get so few of them.

.destiny.

2007-05-10T15:40:00.000+08:00

do you believe in destiny?
that there are some people in life we meet 'not just because'?
that theres only one piece of the puzzle that would fit yours?
that no matter how hard you try to deny and kill the thing that you feel, its still there simply because its the truth?

well, believe it or not.
deny it or not.
try to run from it or not.
answer this:
"are you mine?"
"are you my destiny?"
"are we destined to cross each others path?"

.tanpa sesal.

2007-05-10T15:19:00.000+08:00

aku lupa apa yang terjadi. tiba-tiba saja ketika aku sadar, aku berada di atas bukit yang tinggi. melihat kebawah, aku tersenyum. banyak bunga-bunga berwarna-warni yang bermekaran. rasanya ingin aku menjatuhkan diri ke atas hamparan bunga-bunga itu. hembusan angin sepoi-sepoipun seakan mendorong kakiku selangkah kedepan. saat aku tahu bahwa aku hanya selangkah dari tepi bukit, aku menggandeng tanganmu dan memintamu untuk terjun bebas bersamaku. tapi sayang, kau menarikku. yang kudengar hanyalah suara "jangan,,,aku tidak bisa terjun bebas bersamamu. kakiku menyukai pijakan ini. kakiku telah lama berpijak pada bukit ini. aku harus tetap disini". kakiku lemas. aku ingin kau terjatuh, terjun bebas bersamaku. kau justru menambahkan, "selama aku masih dapat menahannya, aku tidak aku terjatuh". aku melepaskan genggaman tanganmu. kau pikir aku kan berbalik dan mengurungkan niatku untuk jatuh. namun kau salah,,,aku justru melangkahkan kakiku tanpa ragu dan terjun bebas. bukan karena aku tidak menghiraukanmu. bukan karena aku benci pijakan kakiku. bukan karena apa apa. dan bukan karena siapa siapa. semua ini aku lakukan karena aku tidak ingin hidup dengan suatu penyesalan "kalau saja...". aku ingin terjun bebas ke lembah yang penuh kehidupan, penuh cinta. apalah gunanya pijakan walaupun telah lama kau pijak apabila yang kau inginkan adalah terjun bebas bersamaku. saat ini aku berada di dasar lembah. aku menengadah ke atas. aku melihatmu. aku juga mendengarmu dalam gema, meneriakkan "tunggu aku". hmpfh,,,sampai kapan perlu kutunggu? sampai kapan kau sadar bahwa kau harus memilih. mungkin hari ini aku masih disini. masih melihatmu. masih menunggumu. tapi hanya waktu yang dapat menjawab sampai kapan.

.menulis indah.

2007-04-16T11:52:00.000+08:00

adalah mereka yang berkomentar, katanya adsanya harus menulis pakai bahasa indonesia. sebenarnya bukan masalah bahasa apa yang dipakai, tapi pada kenyataannya dalam berekspresi bahasa indonesia agak susah digunakan. untuk mengungkapkan sebuah makna yang simpel pun dalam bahasa indonesia akan terlihat lebih rumit. untuk menggambarkan ketakjuban, perlu digunakan berbagai istilah yang sebagian besarpun disadur dari bahasa lain. bukan berarti bahasa indonesia tidak bagus. sama sekali tidak. tapi satu hal yang aku sadari, kata-kata untuk berekspresi agaknya berjarak. kedekatan pembaca dan penulis terpisah oleh jargon yang absurd. tapi memang, tidak ada salahnya mencoba. mencoba menulis dalam bahasa ibuku. =]. tapi perlu diingat, aku bukan pujangga dengan sejuta keindahan sastra. bukan pujangga dengan ribuan aturan menulis bahasa indonesia baik dan benar. tulisanku hanya tuturan sederhana seorang insan yang sedang belajar menulis untuk menyampaikan uneg-uneg.

.remember me.

2007-03-27T22:56:00.000+08:00

i used to think my relationship ends because of me. because of my mistakes. my egos. my i-love-you-too-much kind of love. so, i cried. hours. days. months. yesterday it hit me. no, it aint bout me. its about you being untrue. you cheated on me. you gave me millions reasons, but none of them was about you.

hey liar, you fooled me. it doesnt matter how many times you did. all that matters now is that i know that i shouldnt cry. you dont deserve my tear. my time. especially my love.

hey liar, shame on you. you dont now me. i thought you are one in a million kinda guy, but well, i can have another bastard within a minute. theres plenty of you out there. i want none.

hey liar, why didnt you just say it to my face? at least you had my respect. oops, my bad. i forget that you are just a coward. you just cant decide things.

hey liar, i choose to do nothing about it but remember...its your loss. i wish you get someone who deserve a guy like you. go find yourself a girl like you: liar. its time for me to mend my broken heart. and i guess its time for you to be aware. what goes around comes around. when that day comes, whenever it is...i could only pray that youd remember me.

.just love.

2007-03-22T09:07:00.000+08:00

i take a look around. i see couples. i stop for a while. get to know them. how they can work things out between them. surprisingly i find out that most of them doesnt love each other the way lovers should. they hold on to the status of being in a relationship JUST BECAUSE theyre just too afraid to be single. to be alone. ironically, most of the loneliest people are in a relationship. they use each other company JUST BECAUSE two people look nicer than one. its all a mask. covered up with lies, betrayal, and lust.

relationship shouldnt be about sex. it shouldnt be about the kisses, the hugs, and the pride of getting a pretty woman or a handsome man. it shouldnt be about what looks good. relationship should be about love. real love. about picturing yourself 40 or 50 years from now when youre on your deathbed. will that person still be there? can that person raise your children? it should be about someone who can hold your hand when life throws you upside down. someone who can slap you in the face when youre outta line. someone who can challenge your dream. someone who can give you pat in the back.

i used to envy the couples. now that i know the truth, i envy them no more. i am currently happily married. married to my hope and dreams. those are the things i just couldnt live without. i hope that someday ill find that someone. but hey, i dont know have i met him or not (quoting from a friend =]). i just wanna be in a real relationship. with no lies. no betrayal. just love. is that too much to ask?

.the holiday.

2007-02-15T20:28:00.000+08:00

watched The Holiday couple mondays back. wew...it was good. not another drama and love movie. i can say its a thoughtful drama. 8.5/10. =] there are some good lines from the movie that made me think. contemplating.

Iris: Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she [he] does something that tells you she's [he's] no good, you ignore it. And every time she [he] comes through and suprises you, she [he] wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's [he's] not for you.

Iris: I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms.

Iris: It doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little peices of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

i think the quotes speak for themselves. no further explanation needed.

.glass room.

2007-02-08T12:03:00.000+08:00

he loved her or so she thought. he treated her like princess. he kept her in a glass room. never let her made her own mistake. she saw all the beauty ouside her room. she saw all the teardrops falling down from the eyes of the living thing called human. she saw all. she felt none. he told her to stay in the room. he was just too afraid to let her experienced all. yes, she was fragile. the room and him were her comfort zone - the only things she ever knew. she loved her life. one day, he went outside and forgot to close the door. it was a rainy day so she tried to close the door. she pipped through the open door and amazed of how the sky can actually cry. she felt a cold gentle breeze. something she never felt before. so she let her feet took her outside the room. she went out of her comfort zone. she became human. she felt. raindrops fell, she got wet. the asphalt underneath her was not all that smooth. she stumbled a little. she dared herself to stand up again. keep moving. all she wanted for is to live her life. to feel happy. to know pain. to make friend with loneliness. to shake hand with cruelty. she is fully aware that probably shell never find a better place than the one shes in: the glass room, but she believes that shell find a better life in a world that is full of shit.

.period.

2007-01-10T17:08:00.000+08:00

i just remembered a quote from HOUSE (thx to nick...i love HOUSE): "he cured you. you didnt cure him." the same goes to me. a friend of mine called me last night and told me how i helped him a lot. i inspired him. i cant deny that it felt so damn good knowing that you mean something to other people. but the feeling lasted for only a milisecond before i found myself crying. i prolly cured him or other people around me but they didnt cure me. no, im not trying to blame them cause curing isnt something you can do on purpose. it happens naturally, unintendedly. just like any other masterpieces of nature.

have you ever felt so damn low? feels like giving up; feels like surrender to no one but yourself. i know that im unwell. not a bit. a whole lot. my life curve is going on a one-way street called DOWN. nothing seems to cheer me up. i used to be thankful for a rose amongst so many thorns. i saw glass as half full. i waited for a beautiful rainbow after the rain. now? huh...everything is the other way around. i curse thorns for keeping one rose apart from the others. dont you realise that a rose is always alone and lonely? i guess thats because of its thorns. i see glass as half empty. i close my window and sleep when it rains. no more waiting for what comes after.

i dont know when will it be over. the misery. the pain. the curse. i wish i could just put a period after a long bitter sad sentence, but unfortunately life forces me to put coma, semicolon, and anything else but period instead. i dont have the courage to fight against life. but i do hope i have the courage to say "hey life...watch me!!! today i fail but ill try again tomorrow..."

.bad guy vs good guy.

2007-01-09T16:17:00.000+08:00

forget the old saying "each day is a gift". it took me years to finally realise that each day is a battle. it is either win or lose. nothing in between. someone once said to me that bad guys always win. sometimes the bad guy is a jerk boyfriend/girlfriend. sometimes the bad guy is a person who coincidentally cross your path and take your loved one[s] away. sometimes the bad guy is an enemy youve been battling for as long as you can remember. sometimes the bad guy is a disease that you dont stand a chance against. and sadly, sometimes the bad guy is the person you see in the mirror. i guess the only thing you can do is to wake up the next morning and HOPE that being a good guy pays off.

.strong aint always that strong.

2007-01-08T11:18:00.000+08:00

i read an interesting article. its about how men love paris-hilton-type-of-women. men enjoy being with women that are simple. men love women that can hug, kiss, and laugh without asking questions. maybe thats their definition of 'simple'. as for me, men use the term 'simple women' to clothe the ugly naked term: stupid women. men like women who keeps their mouth shut all the time except when they kiss. men adore women who can be controlled like barbie dolls. men hate strong women for showing them that strong aint always that strong. men avoid arguments where they cant win. um, it isnt a crime when men go for simple women instead of strong ones and it isnt a mistake for women if they choose to be simple. i just couldnt help but wonder...how bout the strong women? what are their roles in this insanity called life?

well...most women i know are categorised under 'strong women' label. they speak their mind. they pursue their own happiness and they love wholeheartedly. along the way, they get hurt and cry, they are stabbed from the back and betrayed by people they love most. thats the fact. what can i say...i am one of them. aint proud of being one cause i didnt chose to be one. i just happened to be one. since there are so many prejudice about strong women, id like to take a snapshots of those strong women from their weakest angle.

humph, honestly it aint easy being strong. or should i revise...it aint easy when men labeled you as a strong woman. you scare them away. you always end up feeling sorry for yourself even when you won the argument square and fair. you always end up apologizing even when you know youre right. you are the prisoner in your own free world.

looking at strong women from a different angle, youll find that these 'monsters' called strong women are the answer for every mans need. strong women do their duties and fight for their rights. strong women work hard and arent afraid to sweat. strong women dont stand there and do nothing; they initiate change and strive for the best. strong women are able to say right when it is right and wrong when it is wrong. strong women dare to take a leap of faith to test their hearts. strong women courageously stand up for people they love. strong women irrationally challenge men to believe in themselves when there arent any logical reason and rational evidence.

pointing out the fact doesnt mean that one type of woman is better than the other. im in no position to give judgment. i just write my thoughts out nakedly.

p.s: when you meet a strong woman, look deeper...youll see a fragile soul trapped in a dimension called body. dont be too hard on her. shes just trying her best to survive.

.reality bites.

2006-12-29T11:10:00.000+08:00

i sit here listening to her talking about her dream guy. she is definitely in love. she falls for the guy. i should be happy for her but i know i shouldnt. i think my friend has become my enemy. she is the other woman. the kind of woman i curse. i always hate the fact that a relationship has to end because of the other woman. but this time, i dont know where to take stand. my idealism of a happy-ending-with-no-other-woman relationship or the reality that my friend is happy. reality bites. i know. gee...no words come out of my mouth. not a single comment. speechless. why everything has to be this complicated? why cant my friend find a decent guy who is single and available? is it true that all decent guys are taken? hummm...now i think i ask myself too many questions. focus. help her. damn, i dont know what to say. coz it will be wrong to tell her that she ruins the guys relationship. she didnt ruin it. she aint a bitch that purposely ruin everyone elses relationship just for fun. she just unintendedly fell for a nice guy at the wrong time. i havent seen her laugh the way she is laughing for quite a while. obviously, she is happy. who am i to say that she should stop seeing him and stop being happy? a friend of mine once said "if you feel that a person COULD be the one, go for that person. a probability of finding the one is so rare. dont let anything hold you back." i dont know whether or not its true but that what comes out of my mouth. i spill it out. i say "go...enjoy the free falling. he could be the one. who knows?" anyone who heard me mustve thought that im crazy but do i care? i love my friend and i want her to be happy or at least try to pursue her happiness. if falling for that guy makes her happy then i will support her. i only hope that my friend will be able to stand up on her own if the guys not ready to catch her as she falls. a good guy. a good girl. one bad time. yes, reality bites.