.no more.

she fades. speak she does not.
they steal her voice. leave her with a broken smile.

she cries. without sound.
tear flow out, wish they can flow back in.

shes there to be blamed. shes there to take the fall.
shout. yell. scream.
shes going nowhere.
she replies no more.
just silence.
hope its enough to comfort her.

.digital world.

high-tech world. everything is in minimalist mode. digital. sleek. simple. too bad it doesnt stop there. it influences the way we communicate. the way we think. the way we live our life. it reduces the complexity of the universe. my universe, at least. when a face-to-face conversation is not something they are longing for. when they hate the colors of my skirt just because they have only plain black skirts. when theyd rather heat their tasteless food in the microwave instead of waiting for my homemade soup.
maybe its just too fast a pace for me to catch up. too simple a world for me to live in.
i still need colors. i still need some complexity. oh well, im just an analog girl in a digital world. let me tick my second. i let you beep yours.

.equation.

"math is the surest subject on earth, you know...anywhere you go, 1+1=2 and -1+1=0". Hah! if only life is as simple as mathematical equation. if only the surity of mathematical notion can be applied in real life, where one wrong can be nullified with one right. heart has its own equation. i understand none. the pattern is abstract. sometimes it is so happen that one big right can be nullified by one simple wrong. some other time, one simple right can give you the right answer of all the negative numeric figure of wrongs. nothing is as sure as math, my friend. and be thankful that nothing is.

.socrates vs me.

life has to be in balance. give and take. love and to be loved. read and write. socrates once said "employ your time in improving yourself in other man's writings, so that you shall gain easily what other have laboured hard for". to make it balance, i say "employ your time in writing your thoughts. a sun shouldnt keep itself from shining; a man shouldnt keep the feelings inside. through writings, you state things that are impossible for mouth to say and emphasis things youve already said".

.between the midwest sky and sleepless nights.

its my job to listen to your problems
your story
your suffering
your life
i know i have pain too
inside, im suffering
helping you is the only way i cope up with my own
trying to find solution to your problems
answer to your questions
my head is spinning
my heart is racing
my body is shivering
in the stillness of the night
i thought its all because im working too hard to help you
but no
it isnt
its because somewhere between the midwest sky and sleepless nights,
i forgot to take care of me
i forgot whos really in trouble
i forgot that its me who need help

.about marriage.

marriage? the magic word, it seems. "the happily ever after", "till death do us part". they fit well with the soul of an optimist. not me. these past few years, people have been talking intensely about marriage. maybe, they always do. maybe, its just me being too busy about other things that i tend to ignore it and push it back into my subconsciousness. this time, its just everywhere...making it hard for me to bury it alive as i always did. ignorance is really a bliss.

im happy for the couples. i really do. whats more, i envy them. their ability to choose and decide the one person with whom theyll spend the rest of their life with. how can they be so sure? is it a mere hunch? is it a complex mathematical skill? is it related to dating experience? how? how? lets start from the basic. heres the simplest and the most common wedding vow:

I _____, take you ______, to be my wedded wife/husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.

the first bit: to have and to hold. ha! its easy. it is in our blood, the nature of wanting to "have". its called sense of belongingness. and "to hold"? thats easy too...sometimes we even hold onto others so tight that we forgot to let them go once in a while.

the second bit: for better, for worse. whoa,,,this is getting harder ey? so easy to accept other person if they get better. if they succeed, if they excel at things we expect them to. but how bout those times when they fail to meet our expectation? when they bring out the worst in us? should we stay? or should we go?

the third bit: for richer, for poorer. ummm...JLO says "my love dont cost a thing". is it? really?

the fourth bit: in sickness and in health. many has taken this one for granted. its so overlooked. recently i was down with flu. i had a blocked nose. couldnt breath. literally speaking. i was cranky the whole time coz i didnt have enough sleep at night. thanks to my blocked nose. and yea, as i sat there in my room, alone and lonely, i thought about my bestfriend and her husband. she told me the reason she said "i do" was because he is able to give her a hug when she knows she is unhugable. love when she is unloveable. and kiss when she is unkissable. there, i cried. its easy for people to love me when imma hugable material. when im full of smile. full of love. but can i find that one person who loves me all the same when im all the opposite? maybe the simplest example would be the time when you get so cranky because of your blocked nose. oh yea, blocked nose in comparison with other diseases, is nothing. yet, my blocked nose has taught me a lot of things, like how unloveable i can be at times when i get cranky, how unhugable i can be when im in pain and how unkissable i can be when all im doing with my mouth are yelling and screaming. not cool, but its true. and really, it doesnt take me a deathly illness to realise that to be with someone "in sickness and in health" is a hard thing to do.

the fifth bit: to love and to cherish till death do us part. i guess this is the hardest bit. so many couples stop loving each other long before they die. or even dying. people stop loving each other when their eyes are still wide open and when their breath are still long and deep.

maybe those married couples understand the vow better, much better than i do. but i know that the understanding of it aint something that can be shared with or taught to. it is something that i have to learn on my own. so far, heres what ive learned:
ive learned that a happy marriage takes more that a wedding vow. some of the loneliest and saddest people i know are still married.
ive learned that wedding vow is for an optimist.
ive learned that for people like me (i.e. idealist, realists, and a bit pessimist), marriage takes courage and hard work. and all the challenges that come with the package are the bits and pieces that make it worthwhile.
ive learned that someday, ill say "i do" to that one person even before he asks; ill say it without having to say it out loud. the heart is at its truest when its whispering.

.band-aid for the heart.

funny how they say everyone loves to be loved. not her. shes being abused. abandoned. cheated on. lied to. torn apart. i found her in the crossroad, between 17th and 23rd avenue. helpless. i knew her story from the homeless guy, the one who sat across the street where i first saw her. for years she refused any help. may it be a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, or simply just a friendly smile. she kept it to herself. she cried. she screamed. she yelled. people said shes crazy. i doubted the notion. i tried to see things from her perspective. if i were her... then, my cheek felt warm. teardrops felt without my permission. yes, i understood. finally.

if i were the one whos being abused,
i would avoid any forms of touching, viz., pat, handshake, hug, especially kiss.
if i were the one whos being abandoned,
i would stay away from people.
i wouldnt let them get close to me.
so that, when they leave, it means nothing to me.
if i were the one whos being cheated on and lied to,
i wouldnt believe in any promises.
promises are meant to be broken.
if i were the one whos being torn apart,
i wouldnt show it to the world.
i wouldnt let people pity me.
wouldnt let them know that im shattered.

then, how can i help her? was she meant to be left alone? thoughts were flying across the empty dimension of which they called mind. i wanted to help. but how??? i was afraid that if i do something wrong, itd hurt her even more. it was on my mettle that i decided to go across the street. i gave her my look. not a pity look. not a sympathetic look. just my look. plus a smile. i bent over. she looked up at me. confused. i handed over a band-aid. she received it with a puzzled face. then i whispered to her ear "hey, hope it helps. its a band-aid for your heart. i use it everytime my heart breaks into pieces. you might wanna go to a quiet place and put it on when noones watching. dont tell them when youve put your heart back altogether". then i saw her smile. for the first time. i smiled back and left. the next day i was her friend. we talked about lots of things but her pain. i never promised her a thing but i promised myself not to leave her. people like her doesnt need my pity. nor my promise. she only needs me. myself. so i gave her me.