.fix you.

somehow i wanna believe that people can change. in the way that matters. too many evidence have shown they cant. researches show that the nature of every being is a solid rock. unchangeable. is it true? tell me its not. id go deeper to fix you. if i could, i would even spend my only wish on you. without a doubt, id use my magic wand just to give you some finishing touch. please tell me i still can.

.the ageless lady.

two days ago i went to a nursing home. thought it was just another church visit. something ive done thousand times. miraculously, it was different. i dont know was it the atmosphere or was it me. there were about twenty people in the nursing home. there were 30 of us. more or less. one lady had her bed to the living room. the others were sit on their chairs. amongst some gloomy faces, there was this one lady. she seemed so happy. her face blushed. pinkish, considering she has a pale white skin color. shes petite. wrinkles covering her face. but i know theres something about her. when we had a break, i came close to her. i asked her name. she asked mine. and suddenly i found myself conversing with this lady.

her: darling, do you know that you have the brightest eyes and the most beautiful smile?
me: hahaha...am i??? thanks...btw, how old are you?
her: um,,,i forgot. i know i shouldnt forget my own age but you know, as you grow older you start to forget things that you shouldnt be forgetting.
me: ah, its ok. you seem so happy. i guess thats what matters. so, do you like to sing?
her: yes yes yes darling. i love singing. i used to sing in church. i love the song that you sang, whats it called?
me: its called the heart of worship. you know, you remind me of my own grannie. she loves to sing.
her: oh really? yes yes, its one thing i never forget. thats why im so happy. thank you. you know, you should come here every week. and dont forget, say hi to your grannie.

and i went back to my seat. from my seat, i can see the whole room clearly. i can see wrinkles everywhere. walking stick here and there. i looked around. found some faces smiling back at me. some were giving me frown. there it was. third chairs from the right. in the front row. one face that soothed me. its hers. right then and there i said to myself "thats what i wanna be when i grow old". age may rob her smooth skin. change it into wrinkles. age may wipe her memory. left her with nothing. but age cant steal her faith. and thats what makes her different from the rest. her beauty comes from inside. shining out like a ray of light. age cant take away the very thing that she does for her LORD: singing. i think, in the end those are the ones that matter. when the programs finished, everyones going home. treating it just like any other day. any other visit. i went home that day with an inspiration. a priceless inspiration from a lady who forgets her own age. i call her the ageless lady.


*dedicated to the ageless lady in the nursing home

.a friend.

some know HIM as GOD
omnipotent
mighty
awesome
out of reach
indescribable
creator
supernatural
some other just know HIM through greet and goodbyes
"dear GOD, thanks for today. amen"
"dear GOD, bless this food. amen"
"dear GOD, be with me as i do this test. amen"
"dear GOD, please help me find my soulmate. amen"
"dear GOD, keep me away from these temptations. amen"
im glad i know HIM as a friend
someone i can talk to every single second
in every breath. in every prayer
someone i can turn to
in laughter and in pain
someone who understands me although i dont get HIM sometimes
HEs full of surprises. full of love
when others try to keep distance with HIM,
i try to be as close as i can be
for others, HE might come as an extraordinary deity
for me, HE comes simply as a friend. a very best friends.

.box.

looks like they notice. they realize that i write a lot when im in pain. they say now im happy, so i dont write much. theyre wrong. i write whenever i like. when i feel like to. its just that lately been so busy. a bit overwhelmed maybe. as i started to enter uni world (again) without my best friends, i felt a bit unease at first. was looking for a familiar face, a friendly smile. found none. people were so busy looking at their books. the walls. the windows. anything but another humans eyes. they tried not to care. seemed to me that everyones there trying to gain some knowledge. not friends. in fact, so did i. thats how i started my uni life. no friends, just book. weeks passed by and now i know almost the whole class by name. we exchange stories, case studies, even some gummy bears. im no longer living under yesterdays rug. no more the good old days. i boxed it all up. well, every now and then i open the lid and find out that i still miss going to classes with my friends. still miss the thrill of walking out in the middle of a lecture together. miss the laughter of not knowing what to do. miss the study time. and when i put the lid back on, i know i still have my friends. i just have to live with the fact that theyre not here at the moment. for the time being, i have to familiarize myself with new faces instead of looking for a familiar face. i have to push myself to come to classes even when theres no one pushing me to. and sometimes, when im just too tired to listen to the lecturer, i just have to stand up and walk out of the class by myself. interestingly, im okay with that. i think im a grown up now =]. speaking of growing up, i also grow emotionally. i let go of my past bit by bit. i accepted the fact that this heart is able to love again. i boxed all my past memories up. some were good. some were not so good. i also put every pieces of my broken heart inside. as i put them in the box, one by one, i cried. i cried coz i know that this box cant be opened once i put the lid on. but i did it anyway. surprisingly, i found relief. closure. then i realized, maybe...just maybe...a part of growing up is knowing which lid to put on which box.