.about marriage.

marriage? the magic word, it seems. "the happily ever after", "till death do us part". they fit well with the soul of an optimist. not me. these past few years, people have been talking intensely about marriage. maybe, they always do. maybe, its just me being too busy about other things that i tend to ignore it and push it back into my subconsciousness. this time, its just everywhere...making it hard for me to bury it alive as i always did. ignorance is really a bliss.

im happy for the couples. i really do. whats more, i envy them. their ability to choose and decide the one person with whom theyll spend the rest of their life with. how can they be so sure? is it a mere hunch? is it a complex mathematical skill? is it related to dating experience? how? how? lets start from the basic. heres the simplest and the most common wedding vow:

I _____, take you ______, to be my wedded wife/husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.

the first bit: to have and to hold. ha! its easy. it is in our blood, the nature of wanting to "have". its called sense of belongingness. and "to hold"? thats easy too...sometimes we even hold onto others so tight that we forgot to let them go once in a while.

the second bit: for better, for worse. whoa,,,this is getting harder ey? so easy to accept other person if they get better. if they succeed, if they excel at things we expect them to. but how bout those times when they fail to meet our expectation? when they bring out the worst in us? should we stay? or should we go?

the third bit: for richer, for poorer. ummm...JLO says "my love dont cost a thing". is it? really?

the fourth bit: in sickness and in health. many has taken this one for granted. its so overlooked. recently i was down with flu. i had a blocked nose. couldnt breath. literally speaking. i was cranky the whole time coz i didnt have enough sleep at night. thanks to my blocked nose. and yea, as i sat there in my room, alone and lonely, i thought about my bestfriend and her husband. she told me the reason she said "i do" was because he is able to give her a hug when she knows she is unhugable. love when she is unloveable. and kiss when she is unkissable. there, i cried. its easy for people to love me when imma hugable material. when im full of smile. full of love. but can i find that one person who loves me all the same when im all the opposite? maybe the simplest example would be the time when you get so cranky because of your blocked nose. oh yea, blocked nose in comparison with other diseases, is nothing. yet, my blocked nose has taught me a lot of things, like how unloveable i can be at times when i get cranky, how unhugable i can be when im in pain and how unkissable i can be when all im doing with my mouth are yelling and screaming. not cool, but its true. and really, it doesnt take me a deathly illness to realise that to be with someone "in sickness and in health" is a hard thing to do.

the fifth bit: to love and to cherish till death do us part. i guess this is the hardest bit. so many couples stop loving each other long before they die. or even dying. people stop loving each other when their eyes are still wide open and when their breath are still long and deep.

maybe those married couples understand the vow better, much better than i do. but i know that the understanding of it aint something that can be shared with or taught to. it is something that i have to learn on my own. so far, heres what ive learned:
ive learned that a happy marriage takes more that a wedding vow. some of the loneliest and saddest people i know are still married.
ive learned that wedding vow is for an optimist.
ive learned that for people like me (i.e. idealist, realists, and a bit pessimist), marriage takes courage and hard work. and all the challenges that come with the package are the bits and pieces that make it worthwhile.
ive learned that someday, ill say "i do" to that one person even before he asks; ill say it without having to say it out loud. the heart is at its truest when its whispering.